*Disclaimer

My blogs are usually overdramatic. Just FYI.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place...

And it's quite frustrating. Why must we be so catty?

I don't know who to choose. I don't know how to choose! And I don't even think I should need to choose. This is lame. How in the world did I get stuck in the middle? Is it just because I have a hopelessly positive outlook on...the nature of people? Or what?

Can't we all just get along?

Fakin' it

So, back in the day when I was a concert pianist--okay, I was never really a concert pianist. But back in the day when I took piano lessons and performed in solo, duo, and concerto festivals every year, I did rather well for myself, thank you. I earned my 75 point cup, which amazes me...but enough talk about how wonderful I am ;)

Especially during my high school years, I was learning some difficult pieces. I played the Gershwin preludes, which are great pieces of music, but they're hard. Because of time, skill, and reality constraints, I wasn't able to learn the Gershwins 100 percent polished. But because of the pressure (perhaps imagined) I felt to perform, and perform consistently superior pieces, I taught myself how to fake. By leaving out a couple of notes here and there and substituting new notes in the chords, I could change that span of an octave and a half to just an octave, making it much easier (and possible) to play (now, I think every piano player does this. It's not unusual. Right? I don't think I did anything wrong by faking a little bit...honestly the chords were too big for my hands to play).

My version sounded good and similar to what it should, but it wasn't quite right. People were impressed by my playing, though-I let them hear what they wanted to hear.

I have to admit that piano was not the only thing I learned how to fake during those years.

Now that I'm older, I'm going back and relearning things. It's harder, but I know that it will make for a more pure, right, and enjoyable life in the end.

Surge of Joy

Do you ever have those times where you're just going about your normal day when suddenly, the most intense feeling of happiness comes over you? And you start smiling, sometimes you even laugh, and you don't know why but you feel happier than you've been in a long time?

Karly and I have named those "surges of joy". I don't know when we first started noticing them, but it's been awhile.

Sometimes those instances are what keep me going. Surges of joy definitely remind me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves and cares about me.

The evening shift

Random things about my job. In--surprise!---a list.

1. I have to wear Sunday clothes every day.
2. But, I get to wear an apron! Which, let me tell you, is delightful. I love being able to keep all the pens, box cutters, money, candy, chapstick, and notes that I might need right in my pockets.
3. I get mistaken for a superhero. A lot.
4. They play the same music over and over. Sometimes it's Christmas music...even though it's February. Sometimes it's cliche. But it's nice.
5. I've become so used to hearing different languages that I just kinda respond to everything now. Even if I don't understand what they're saying...I know I can respond with either, "Hello" "thanks" or "you too" depending on what part of the transaction we're at.
6. Some of my best friends are the people who work with me. I tell them everything (but sometimes we have to speak in code). Even the full-times know most everything about my life. And they usually aren't shy about offering advice :)
7. We have food parties randomly, and it's fun.
8. I really didn't order enough McKesson this week, and I was shocked. I mean honestly, we're almost out of toothbrushes...Thursday. I will order much more than I think I'll need on Thursday.
9. I am so impressed with all the missionaries. I love the examples they set for me. I'm so grateful for this job.
10. I love when the missionaries share their testimonies with me. No matter what language, the spirit is the same, and it's great.

Mr. Jackson's hat

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it."

-Winston Churchill

I love that quote. And that's the great thing about my recent emergence from a myopic state. With perspective, I am able to see that everything is going to be alright, and will in fact be great, because I can make it so.

(By the way...the title of this blog has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Except for the fact that I had iTunes on shuffle and that's the name of the song that came up when I was trying to decide what to title this blog)

Do you ever feel that you have...

"...become the worst version of yourself? That a pandora's box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condecension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away... you zing them. "Hello it's Mr Nasty". I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about..."

Recently I've been feeling a lot of different emotions (which is good for me), but I don't quite know how to deal with them all. I hate it, but sometimes I end up acting like a jerk and saying things I don't mean This is why I went through an emotionally apathetic state years ago.

Anyway I don't mean it. I'm trying so hard to control it. And I'm sorry.

A good reminder.

Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unexpected sources.

Just when the struggle was reaching the peak of intensity, Steve said what I needed to hear that directly contradicted the mindset I was resisting, but still starting to favor. I am (and will always be) myself. He couldn't possibly have known, but I am so grateful that he said something.

Just play it cool

So, the most embarrassing/hilarious thing just happened to me. Please join me in my humilation. And insane laughter.

We're getting new carpet on our stairs. I came home after the carpet installer had started working. Just our luck, he's kinda crazy. He's just working on the stairs, whistling away a happy tune. I went into the kitchen to get some pizza. When he entered the kitchen, he shouted, "Wow! You're tall! You MUST be a basketball player!!!" Now, this was probably not the best thing he could've said to me to start off with. But I tried to be polite, telling him that I don't play basketball, but I do like to dance and play the piano, etc. You know, my standard response. It was definitely given through gritted teeth, however.

So I tried to make polite conversation for just a minute, and at the first possible opportunity I escaped into the family room. Just my luck, it's in clear view from the stairs where he was working. Of course I somehow totally tripped over the vacuum cord. My mom and I burst out laughing. Really, I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. This lasted for about five minutes before the carpet installer yelled out, "Well, now I can see why you don't play basketball".

Oh, sometimes people are just so full of tact.

Culloden III and...a compliment?

For State Festival in 2007, our Wind Symphony played a piece called Culloden III (interesting sidenote about Culloden: it has a section in it that's called "Ye hag, ye've gone and kil't me!". Also, it produced this funny poem from Mr. Bowman: "My bonny lass, she doesn't smell. She bakes good bread, and is really good to me". Okay, it was really funny at the time).

ANYway, there is a part in Culloden where the oboe and Eb clarinet get to play a little duet (is it just me, or did that rhyme?). Of course, I got the privilege of playing the Eb clarinet. Because I love having my own little solos and duets and such.

Now, the Eb clarinet I had to play on was weird. It was old, the keys were bent funny and pads were falling off right and left, and the reeds were old and hard and just lame. But let's be honest: it wasn't all the clarinet's fault. I just wasn't very good at playing that baby clarinet.

Anyway, we went to state, played our song, Matt and I played our duet, and I thought it went fairly well. You know, it was okay.

A week or two later in band, we were listening to the tapes of the judges listening to and critiquing our performance. I was nervous to hear what the judge had to say about our little gem of a duet. We got to that part of the music. Matt and I held our breath, waiting to hear what the judge would say. Finally...

"Well...yeah, that's good. You're supposed to sound like bagpipes there. So you're supposed to sound out of tune. Good job!"

Uh...thank you?

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime

Even though it has been hard (and is hard), it's been worth it. I am so grateful for the things I've learned and the ways that I have grown and changed. I wouldn't change a thing. Really, thank you for everything.

You know...

An emotional catharsis doesn't necessarily stem from talking. Sometimes, silent care, concern, and love work just as well (if not better).

So thank you.

Let's live on dreams.

Why does my golden pretending leave me with nothing to hold but my dreams?

There is only one perfect storybook ending-that is the end of pretending.

I suffer from:

• Headaches above my left eye
• Reverse Sentence Syntax Syndrome
• A fractured foot

However, I'm not complaining, and I don't want this blog to sound all emo and depressed. Those are just some random facts that I noticed about my life. I also suffer from a completely incurable mindset that my life is fine, good, and just what it should be. I love my life. I'm grateful for life and everything that comes with it.

Also, I love Pahoran (Alma 61:9).

Just for the record-

I wore a yellow shirt again today. Not for any specific reason other than convenience. It was clean, hanging up, and accessible.

That being said, I must admit that I am going through an increasingly Susan-like state of mind. And I'm sorry. It's slightly odd, and for some reason really funny (if I am able to find the humor in the situation, does that mean that I am, in actuality, not acting like Susan at all?). Anyway, I'm sure I will get over this soon. In fact, it's already getting better.

It's nearing the one year mark since we started planning Casterbridge. I think that might have something to do with it.

"And Susan wandered the halls of the house like a pale ghost. Finally-she died."

Thoughts from 6 AM

I just hope he knows how much I love him.

Elder Murray

So, there's this Elder in the MTC named Elder Murray. The first time I met him I clearly had to ask about his family history to see if we're somehow related. He's from Washington, and hasn't really had any contact with his dad, so he doesn't know his Murray ancestors.

It's okay, because I just adopted him into my family. We're distant cousins. It's great having family everywhere.

Even greater is that we're all family, really. And forever.

I voted today!

I was gone exactly 59 minutes. I waited in that line twice.

And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

"Look at that! I look like a mugger!"

An interesting phenomenon

I'm noticing that when I cry, only my right eye tears up. Is this normal? Grettir, I need your wisdom on this one.

Today is Groundhog Day. We watched the movie, of course (how can you not watch the movie?). If I had to relive one day of my life over and over, today would not be the day. Also, this blog is not meant to alarm anyone. Please, no one worry. Just a couple of random observations.