Trying to make sense of it all

I just had a baby. A lot of changes occur through pregnancy and then, post-partum. One of the changes that receives the most attention is the change to a new mother’s body.

My body changed a lot! My stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be, and my hips AND rib cage have expanded to the point where none of my pants, skirts, or dresses fit anymore. Rib cage expanding?? I didn’t anticipate that one. Some of my t-shirts don’t even fit anymore because they sit on my hips and my hips are too wide! I know that if I lose a few pounds, I probably won’t have as much of a belly as I do now. But I know that no matter what I do (barring binding techniques, and I’m not going there), my hips and rib cage won’t shrink back to the way they were before. That’s bone structure, people. I know that people say, “Give it time, your body keeps changing after you’ve had the baby.” I’m two months post-partum, which isn’t a long time, but I’ve become quite used to my changed body.

You know what? Even though my pants have increased a few sizes, I have to wear my skirts unzipped with long shirts, and my dresses are useless…I look in the mirror and I don’t care. I know my body is different, but I like the way I look. I don’t have any (new) issues with my body image. I feel as confident as I ever have (And let’s be honest, I do have insecurities, but no new, post-partum insecurities).

I am proud of my body and all it went through with labor, delivery, and recovery. My body fought through liver failure and gave birth to a miracle! I am grateful that Heavenly Father’s plan gives us bodies that can go through so much. It’s amazing. Our bodies are amazing! I’m grateful to feel this way about my body!

So then WHY IN THE WORLD do I forget all that the second I go clothes shopping? Why do I hate shopping now? Why do I feel depressed when the pants I grab off the shelves are almost double my pre-wedding size? Why does it matter to me? If I look in the mirror and feel good about the way I look, why does the size of clothes I’m shopping for matter? 

Why should SIZE matter if I like the way I look, and where did I learn to care? I didn’t learn to hate the size of my pants from my family, and my husband obviously doesn’t care. I probably learned from the media. From talk shows, ads, magazine covers, Pinterest. Probably 1/3 of everything I see on Pinterest has to do with changing your body. I know that working out and being healthy is great, but isn’t there too much focus on achieving a “perfect” body?

Obviously social media is an awesome tool for many reasons, but as social media explodes, we are becoming more exposed to the idea of perfection. This can NEVER BE ACHIEVED.

Why don’t we stop believing the things that tell us to fix our appearance, and instead focus on the things that can make us better people? I want to know how I can say more positive things every day. I want to know more about how home can be a Heaven on Earth. I want to know how to study the scriptures better. I want to know how to make a baby blanket. I want to know how to make a book with family photos. I want to know how to teach my son to be as loving as his father. I want SO MUCH MORE than a perfect body, but when it’s all I see…I fall into the trap. 

He's so cute it kills me! This is one of the only dresses that still fits me...because it's stretchy!

March 24th in pictures

Sorry the formatting is kind of weird!

Getting labor started! Already on the magnesium so I was feeling pretty sick. 

He is the best. Right by my side, making me laugh through every tough thing!

162/106....that's my blood pressure while I was on medicine to lower my bp. 

He's here!

Eli's stats

Spencer's mom holding her first grandchild! 

I'll always be a daddy's girl...

This was pretty much my view...

I look dead in this picture. It's exactly how I felt. I could barely keep my eyes open and the contents of my stomach down (sorry, TMI!). 

He was so sweet and sleepy!


The majority of these photos were taken by Karly. She is amazing! Check out https://www.facebook.com/KarlyJoPhotography.

Eli Winston

On Monday, March 24th at 5:03pm, our miracle Eli was born. There is no word besides "miraculous" to describe that day.

The week before he was born, I had been feeling really crappy. In fact, I only went to school one day that week! I had a pain that followed my bra line all the way around my front and back, like a belt. At the beginning of the week, the pain only hurt when I stood up, so I spent most of my time in bed. On Wednesday the 19th, we went in to Labor and Delivery to be monitored, since the pain was consistent with liver pain and my blood pressure had been climbing. They ran a bunch of blood tests but everything looked normal, so they sent me home. They told us it was probably a trapped gas bubble, since my intestines were so squished from the baby.

The pain kept getting worse, and by Saturday evening (the 22nd) there was nothing I could do to make the pain go away. It was constant whether I was sitting, laying, standing...I tried every position trying to make it go away but it wouldn't. We went back to L&D with me in tears. They ran the same blood tests but everything still looked normal, so they gave me some morphine in an IV and sent me home, ordering me to bedrest until my next appointment (the nurse who helped us that night later told us she knew something was wrong and tried to get the doctor to admit me). By the time we got home the pain was starting to come back, but the morphine helped me sleep through to Sunday afternoon.

When I went to bed Sunday night (the 23rd), the pain was getting pretty bad again, but it was still bearable. I woke up Monday morning (the 24th) at about 1am in excruciating pain. I woke Spencer up and we tried everything we could think of to make the pain go away, but nothing worked. The only thing that helped at all was floating on my back in the bathtub, but I'm pretty much too tall for that to be comfortable very long. Finally, at around 3am Monday morning, we decided to go back to L&D. Spencer was convinced this would be it and they would induce me, so he packed up our electronics and their chargers. I kept telling him not to get his hopes up, because I was sure they would give me more morphine and send us home again.

When we got to L&D, of course they had to run the same tests again before they could diagnose me and give me something for the pain. This took about an hour, and by this point I was sobbing, begging Spencer to let me die. The pain was INTENSE. It felt like my heart, lungs, and ribs were ripping themselves out of my chest. The blood tests came back normal, of course, so they gave me a morphine shot for the pain. This time, however, the morphine did nothing to help and my doctor said to wait at the hospital until the ultrasound techs arrived at 7 because he wanted an ultrasound on my liver.

While we waited for 7am, Eli had a big heart rate deceleration. It went back to normal, but it was a red flag to our doctor. I finally got an ultrasound, which showed that my liver looked "funny." Around 7:30, Dr. McCarter walked in and said, "We're done. It's time to get this baby out. Something weird is going on, and we need this kid out so we can send you for an MRI as soon as possible."

We thought we'd have to start cervadil for 12 hours, then pitocin for a few hours, and probably have Eli the next day. However, it turned out my body was ready to skip cervadil and go straight to pitocin. The fact that we got to skip those 12 cervadil hours made a HUGE difference.

Puffy eyes from crying all morning, about everything. 

My best friend and wonderful husband.

A little after 8am, they started pitocin and broke my water. The nurses kept telling me to get an epidural ASAP, since I was already in so much pain--they didn't want me in labor pains and liver pains. I wanted to wait a little before the epidural, but I finally gave in and got one around 12. I also got a second morphine shot. They put me on IV fluids and magnesium, which is probably the most awful medicine in the world. I felt so sick and drowsy, and couldn't even sit up without feeling like I was about to faint.

While my body prepared for delivery (my body is amazing and progressed steadily, about 1 cm per hour), Karly and Amanda both came and stayed with us. Karly took pictures and Amanda did my hair so I wouldn't be self-concious about the pictures.

Finally at around 4:30pm, it was time to start pushing. Dr. McCarter was working in the Provo office and was about to leave, but we figured I would be pushing for awhile. After only a few pushes though, the nurse told me to stop! The baby was almost here and she wanted to wait for the Doctor.

Doctor McCarter finally came in to the room around 4:50. As he walked in he announced, "Well, you've got a severe case of HELLP and we need to get this baby out now!" This, of course, freaked me out, because I knew how serious HELLP was. Luckily, at 5:03pm our sweet baby boy was born! He cried for about 3 seconds after birth, and then was silent. I was SO worried about him, but it turns out he was just sleepy from the magnesium that we'd both had. He pretty much didn't cry again until we brought him home!

I was sooo sick from the magnesium and the HELLP syndrome the first two days. I couldn't even focus on my baby's face or remember what he looked like. It was very rough. I felt disconnected from everything happening around me. Finally on Tuesday night they took me off magnesium and I started to feel a lot better.

As you can probably guess, Spencer was amazing through all of this. He stayed steady and by my side the whole time, encouraging me and loving me. For the first two days, he took care of Eli, rocking him, feeding him, and loving him when I couldn't. What a blessing he is in my life!

Talking to Dr. McCarter afterwards made us realize what a miracle Eli's birth was. My blood work all looked fine until right after my epidural, when everything crashed. My blood platelets went from a low normal (150) to 59, which is very, very bad. Had they crashed before the epidural, I would have bled out when they tried to put the epidural in. My liver enzymes spiked along with my blood pressure. It's a miracle we started the induction process when we did. Dr. McCarter says that Eli's heart deceleration saved my life. Without that, they wouldn't have been so anxious to induce. The doctor calls him a miracle kid.  And needless to say, we LOVE Dr. McCarter.

One Day Old

Spencer and I are definitely mindful of how Heavenly Father watched over us through this birth. We realize that things could have turned out much differently. We were blessed with a wonderful doctor who listened to the promptings of the spirit. Everything worked out with perfect timing, and what could have been a life-threatening situation turned out just fine. We are grateful every day for the blessings we've been given.

One Week Old!

One Year

March 6th marked one year since my surgery. It also marked 4 weeks until our due date!

It's hard to believe that in the past year we've gone from this....

....to this. 

We know that we've grown from everything that we've been through, and it's amazing to see how our relationship and testimonies have been strengthened. We're grateful for the doctors who realized there was a problem with my thyroid--especially Dr. Money who knew it needed to come out asap! I don't think this (emotionally and physically) healthy pregnancy would have been possible if we didn't get my thyroid removed. 

So, one year later, we're happy, healthy, and excited to meet our baby boy in less than 30 days!

The Big Announcement

Since I don't have a lot of experience with little boys, I used to be scared at the prospect of raising them. After we found out we were expecting, though, I started thinking a lot about "what if it's a boy??" Pretty soon, I realized that my older brother is awesome, and I'm so glad he was the first child in our family. My husband, the oldest child in his family, is also completely amazing. So then I started really hoping our baby was a boy. I'm excited that all our other children will have a big brother to look up to!

One year!!

I can't believe I have been married to my amazing best friend for one year. Spencer is so selfless, patient, kind, and wonderful. I have learned so much from him this past year!

Recently, something that has brought Spencer and I understanding and peace is Ether 6:5-7.

"And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, toward the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountainous waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were cause by the fierceness of the wind...therefore, when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters."

The Jaredites were trying to travel to the promised land in their barges, according to the direction of the Lord. It wasn't an easy trip--the wind was blowing and causing horrible tempests and storms. Even though the wind was causing great tribulation, it was ALWAYS blowing them in the direction of the promised land. Those were probably rough times, but as rough as it was, the barges were still moving in the right direction. When things got horrible, the Jaredites prayed and the Lord delivered them.

Spencer and I have had a lot of wind blowing this past year. We've been through some really hard things. There were times when we would sit together and cry because it seemed like the winds were too strong. But EVERY SINGLE TIME the winds died down, we saw how we had learned more about ourselves, more about each other, more about our marriage and sealing, more about the gospel, and more about Heavenly Father's love and the plan of salvation.

It's amazing that the hardest times in our lives often lead to the greatest understanding and blessings. None of our problems have disappeared 100%--the wind still blows, but we pray to the Lord and are delivered. Maybe not immediately, but deliverance comes. I can't stress enough how much Spencer and I have learned and how close we have become.

But it hasn't all been windy! We've had some amazing times in our marriage. Those amazing times have felt a thousand times more amazing with the perspective and understanding we have gained so far.

This has been the best year of my life. I am so grateful Spencer and I were sealed in the temple. I'm grateful for the blessings of our sealing that strengthen us and help us grow together.

Spencer is my best friend. I still don't fully understand why I was blessed with a husband like Spencer, but I'm grateful!!

We are living happily ever after!!

I love that you can see my scar in this picture...to me, it's a symbol that we can do hard things when we have each other.

It's done!

I was so incredibly nervous going into surgery yesterday. A few times I almost backed out, but the Lord was mindful and sent me tender mercies to give me courage.

I was lucky--they only had to remove the right lobe of my thyroid! There is a chance the left lobe will need to come out next week, but we're praying I'm all done.

Things went really well with the surgery (I think. I can't remember talking to my doctor afterward, but Spence talked to him). We were able to go home after only a couple of hours. I'm not in too much pain, although my throat is pretty sore and this bandage on my neck is TIGHT! Tomorrow we'll meet with Dr. Money to check on things.

I am SO grateful for the Lord's hand in my life. There must be a reason why we discovered the nodule when we did. Hopefully having my thyroid removed will positively impact my health!!

My family has been amazing through all of this. My parents helped calm me down, talked through my worries, and stayed with Spencer during the procedure yesterday. Spencer's family came to visit yesterday and we've received flowers, dinner, gift baskets, and the like from family and ward members. We are so blessed!!

Spencer has been so wonderful in working through this with me, and now he takes care of me perfectly and sweetly. He is so good!!

I bought myself some new PJs and a couple of 5th graders made me that tape bracelet!

I am a Riley, I can do hard things!!

Into the Fire

This song has been my theme song for the past couple of months. Literally, I listen to it almost every morning. I LOVE it. Part of my love for the song has to do with my love for the story line of the show (Scarlet Pimpernel) but the other part of my love has to do with the message of courage.

With my thyroid surgery looming large on the horizon of tomorrow, I am absolutely terrified. I am listening to this song about once an hour. Like I said, I LOVE it.


David walked into the valley
With a stone clutched in his hand
He was only a boy
But he knew someone must take a stand

There will always be a valley
Always mountains one must scale
There will always be perilous waters
Which someone must sail

Into valleys, into waters
Into jungles, into hell
Let us ride, let us ride home again with a story to tell
Into darkness, into danger
Into storms that rip the night
Don't give in, but give up
But give thanks for the glorious fight

You can tremble, you can fear it
But keep your fighting spirit alive boys
Let the shiver of it sting you
Fling into battle, spring to your feet boys
Never hold back your step for a moment
Never doubt that your courage will grow
Hold your head even higher and into the fire we go 

Are there mountains that surround us?
Are there walls that block the way?
Knock 'em down, strip 'em back boys
And forward and into the fray

Into terror, into valour
Charge ahead, no, never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn

Someone has to face the valley
Rush in, we have to rally and win boys
When the world is saying not to
With God, you know you've got to march on, boys
Never hold back your step for a moment
Never doubt that your courage will grow
Hold your head ever higher and into the fire we go 

Let the lightning strike
Let the flash of it shock you
Choke your fears away
Pull as tight as a wire
Let the fever strike
Let the force of it rock you
We will have our day, sailing into the fire

Someone has to face the valley
Rush in! We have to rally and win boys
When the world is saying not to
With God, you know you've got to march on, boys
Never hold back your step for a moment
Look alive! Oh, your courage will grow
Yes, it's higher and higher and into the fire we go
Into fire!
Onward, ho! 


Wish me luck...like my students keeps reminding me, tomorrow I will come out of surgery with less mass inside of me. At least they're understanding some part of our matter unit...