Mata Hari had a very wicked reputation

Sometimes I feel like a freaking Mata Hari (minus all the immorality, of course). "Mata Hari?" you may be asking yourself. "Who's she?" Well, Mata Hari was just about the wickedest woman in the whole world. She was a spy by trade, you know. First, she'd make the boys fall madly in love with her, and then she'd toss them aside like an old pair of shoes as soon as she got what she wanted out of them.

I don't know how it happened. I certainly didn't want it to happen. But it happened. Since it's happened a couple of times now, I decided it's time to analyze this Mata Hari syndrome. I like(d?) him so much. Aubrey and Katrina will attest to that. I had fallen for him. But once I found out that he liked me, it's almost as if I got over him in an instant. I know I didn't. But sometimes it felt like it.

Anyway, after thinking about this and discussing it with my friends, I've decided that I'm afraid. Afraid of relationships, I guess. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a seious relationship, and getting even a little bit close to it scares me. It also freaks me out that he's leaving in July to serve a mission. I don't want to get too attached since he'll just be leaving anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do.

No person with inner dignity is ever embarrassed.

I do a ton of stupid stuff, and it embarrasses me. I guess I don't have much inner dignity yet. Like this one time I was on band tour, and I was eating oysters that were in broth in a cup. Well, I was standing there, talking to Mr. Bowman, and somehow I dropped one of the oysters, and fell in the cup with a huge splash. That huge splash of broth got all over Mr. Bowman. I was mortified. So what did I do? The only thing that I could think of. I just started wiping the broth off of his coat with my napkin. Oh man. Good times.

I daresay that no one likes to be embarrassed. So, how are we supposed to go about obtaining this inner dignity? What the heck is inner dignity anyway?

Dignity is like pride or a knowledge of your worth/divine potential. Inner, obviously, means within yourself. So, it's a personal thing. We can't sit around and wait for people to hand us our inner dignity. It needs to be developed. The first step is probably to realize who you are and where you are going. Daughter of a king. Child with divine heritage. Now that you know who you are, you can realize that you have worth, and stupid things you do don't really matter that much.

Ok well I guess obtaining inner dignity is basically a one-step process which is: learn to love yourself. That's one broad step, huh?

Anyway, embarrassing things can be fun. Like they're fun to look back on a laugh about. But they usually aren't very fun when they happen. Oh well. Life goes on.

For a dreamer, night's the only time of day.

Apparently, I have a really weird way of sleeping. It surprises me! Well, not the fact that I sleep funny...I already know how I sleep...the fact that everyone thinks it's so weird surprises me! I've been sleeping folded up for my whole life, so it never hit me that it was funny. It's just normal for me to sleep that way.

I think that when we do things a certain way and for a long time, we get to be so accustomed to it that it's almost as if we don't even think there could be another way of doing that exact same thing. Similarly, we sometimes seem to think our way is the best way. This may be the case, but usually it's not.

Since I've been sleeping that way since I was a baby, it's the most normal thing in the world to me. Not to everyone else though. I thought it was weird that they thought I was weird, but now I'm thinking that we're all right. So while they try to accept my weird habits, I am trying to accept their weird mind sets. No, I'm just kidding! We all get along great.

Just a little flat

I like to play the piano, and I've pretty much reached the point where I can sight-read most anything. Hymns and primary songs come especially easy to me because...well, they're not that hard.

But today in seminary, Brother Harris asked me to play a couple songs. I played the first one fine, didn't make any mistakes. It probably had a sharp or two. However, the second song had three flats and some arpeggios in the left hand, and for some reason I just freaked out. I could not play it, and there were only three flats. I am used to playing things with up to six flats! But for some reason I could not do it.

Flats have always been hard for me. It's just hard for me to think of notes as flat. I'm sure it's all in my head, because as my grandma always says, "It's not any harder to press a black key than it is to press a white key." She's right, it's not physically hard.

When you've got flats and fast moving notes combined, it's hard to think that fast and realize what keys you're supposed to be playing. I just get scared and tell myself it's hard, so it becomes hard. It really isn't that bad though. It's easy to press a black key.

The best thing for me to do is practice a lot so my fingers get the feel of which notes are flat. It's like learning how to type, except the feel changes with each piece of music. Why do people write music with flats?! Oh well. I will just have to work harder at piano. (But guess what? On Saturday I got my 60 point gold cup! It's huge!)