I can do this!

"It's knowing what they want of me that scares me. It's knowing having followed, I must lead. It's knowing that each person there compares me to those in my past whom I now succeed...

I know expectations are wild and almost beyond my fulfillment, but they won't hear a word of a doubt or see signs of a weakness. My nigh on impossible duty is clear. If I can rekindle my ancestor's dreams, it's enough."

Uprising

Jarom took me to see Muse on Monday...and it was awesome!! The only problem was that both of us decided to not wear our coats, and it was snowing, so...we got soaked. But it was fun.

Also, sidenote: People like Macs more than they like me.

Really, subconscious?

Me: Last night I had a dream that we had some huge family emergency and Dad, Grandpa Murray and I went to Japan to help out.

Uncle Kurt: Do you watch King of the Hill?

Me: No....

Uncle Kurt: Oh, because that is exactly what happens in one of the episodes.

Why can't my dreams parallel fairytale shows instead of shows like King of the Hill? Lame!

A very unproductive day

I feel like my heart is breaking, but I don't know why. Is it because I thought I had what I wanted, but maybe I actually don't (have it, that is)?

And Mark and Noelle are already gone, and I miss them like crazy. I didn't spend nearly enough time with them before they left.

Banana squash, then, it wasn't goodbye-they're coming back. And we'll write. But I'm just curiously sad this evening.

Which means I haven't done any homework. Oh well. I just started reading Ender in Exile. So basically that's all I want to do. I probably will go read a bit now.

Brainstorming

Today in VAEDU we did a brainstorming activity where we had to write down 100 things that had to do with us. Like...write down 100 things that are connected to you! Ready...go! If you didn't know, this is actually quite hard. I would write something down and then focus on that one thing and get sidetracked. So I got a lot of random things on my list. A few names appeared. I will now give a list of the names along with the brainstormed words that made me think of these people (if my sentences don't make sense it's because I'm tired).

1. MTC Bookstore, Elders, Jarom.

2. Theater, Irish, Janna.

3. Concentration camp, Nauvoo, Hannah.

4. Laptop, migraines, Gabe.

5. Scera, Orem High, Syd Riggs.

6. Paranoia, panic attacks, chemical engineer.

7. Chocolate ice cream, commuting, Doug Wright.

8. Store squad, talking, Finnegan.

9. Shopping, G2 pens, Grettir.

So...it's weird. And if you are on this list, don't read too much into the words that made me think of your name. Associations our minds make can be really, really weird and far out.

My boys

They aren't really my boys. They would probably feel awkward if they knew I referred to them in such a manner. Oh well! We spent hours on end together, sitting in front of computers, making really yummy chocolate-caramel shakes, talking about our lives (well, I did all the talking), proposing to each other (I also did all the proposing), and just being silly and having fun. Oh, did I mention we had to make Frazil, write a novel, and have twig pencil contests? Sometimes I look back and think I didn't really like working at Aspen Grove. But then I remember that I loved being with my boys, and having adventures with my awesome roommates, and then I realized that I loved Aspen Grove.

Oh yeah, we also liked to frolic. Well actually, Brandon was the frolicker. After the closing show we would go into the store, keep the doors locked, and turn on Space Jam or Disney. Then Brandon would skip and jump around the store...yeah, fun.

But one time Ryan and I were closing (and we had a habit of taking a looooong time to close the store because we would just get talking, and laughing...). So anyway, one day it was pretty late and someone came to the door-it was probably Brandon. We were in the middle of counting our money so Ryan, as he counted his bundle of ones, began frolicking toward the door. As he frolicked, he threw one dollar bills like they were confetti.

We kept finding ones hidden in and under the candy displays for a few days. But it was really funny.

Okay, seriously?

Today? Of all the days in the week...in the year...why today?

Oh, my life! It is wonderful and amazing, but complicated! Huh. I should never have challenged the year 2010, because it's giving me a run for my money. These chapters in TSY are going to be awesome! Please stay tuned for any further developments.

Just trust me.

I have been cogitating a lot recently on my life and, more specifically, issues I have with trust. Obviously my blog is no place to bare my soul, so I will not. But I will divulge just a smidgen (ha...fun word) of information.

I have a hard time trusting new people. This is a problem, because it means that I am hard to read and fickle. It's just hard. It's hard giving away all your thoughts, feelings, and emotions and putting them out in the open to be laughed at or rained on, or to eventually be discarded.

Like...I trusted you with my feelings. Now that you're gone, what happened to those thoughts I gave you? Did they float away on the breeze? Is someone going to find them? Will I get an email from the BYU lost and found? Those were personal. If I had known you would, one day, cease to appreciate all I had given you...I wouldn't have given it away in the first place.

Anyway. I realized yesterday that this is why I hold on to things. Because there are some things and people in my life that, from my limited knowledge and experience, I am fairly certain I can trust. I just want to hold onto them because trust has already been established--I don't have to work for that again.

But maybe that isn't right anymore. Maybe it's time to move on, grow, and stretch as I learn to trust. Growing pains-that's all this is.

I feel like I should have realized this sooner. But now we're down to the wire.